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The Unholy Union
8 am. A messy bedroom. A figure in a yellow dress groggily stirs awake. "The fawk...?" Sun looked around her blurred surroundings. And then... "Mmmf...bosoms." ...she looked over and saw Lemurs, in an almost identical dress, lying next to her. "HOLY FUCK!" Sun fell off the bed, to the tune of numerous clattering bottles lying on the floor. Lemurs stirred awake. "Ugh, my head feels like it's been slapped by a gorilla...oh, hey Sun." "Don't ya 'hey' me, what the fuck's happenin'?!" Lemurs looked around. "Something radical, by the looks of it..." "Don't be feedin' me the funnies, we didn't--?!" "Uhhhh...I don't think so, I mean all our clothes are still--wait, what's with the fancy schmancy?" "I dunno, I dun even know where the bloody hell we are!" "Ugggh...last thing I remember was...that football game, we were driving home from the Super Bowl. Dunno after that." Sun scrambled for her phone. "OK, maybe there's somethin here. Somethin to tell us where we are, where the boys are, somthin!" "Urp, good idea..." Lemurs slumped off the bed before groggily getting back up. They looked at the phone. Sun opened up the gallery...and both reeled in shock. "What the--" - Elsewhere - Xil, lying on his back, slowly rose from the floor. He rubbed his head. "Yare yare...what's goin' on...?" He looked around. He appeared to be in a chapel. And he was wearing a suit. "The hell...? Schif, Future...?" "Ugh...no, Ma, it's not a sleepover it's a company meet--" Schif slumped up from behind a row. He readjusted his glasses, only to notice that one lens was missing. "Well, that's, that's just wonderful." he grumbled. Future rose up nearby, stumbling forward before promptly hitting a wall, falling over. "Future, you alright there pal?" "...Where's the leak, ma'am?" Future grogged. Schif hovered over. He noticed that the missing lens was over Future's eye, like a faux monocle. He promptly took it. Xil stumbled to his feet. "M'kay...what the what is going on?" "You lads are fuckin' sick!" exclaimed an Irish-sounding voice. A long-haired, goateed fellow sat at the front of the room. "I thought I could hold me liquor, but you bunch, yer on a different plane!" "Urrf, well that explains the headache..." said Schif. "I gotta tell ya, boyos, I've done a lot o' these weddings in my time but that...that was a new level of sick!" said the Irishman. "Hold on...we were at a wedding? Whose?" asked Xil. "Wot, ya don't remember?" Xil shook his head. "Yours!" Xil stood silent for a moment. "W-w-w-hold up, hold up, you're saying I got married?" "Heck yeah, lad! I got the reel ta prove it!" He took out his phone. "Gotta say, lad, ya picked a good one. Lassie after me own heart!" The boys looked at the pictures, and stood dumbfounded by what they saw: The images indeed showed a wedding. Schif, Future and Lemurs holding beer and looking ecstatic. And at the altar, looking amorous... "I FUCKING MARRIED SUN?!?!?!?" exclaimed Xil. "Nonononono, no this can't be real, why the fuck would I..." "Looks pretty real from where I'm standing." said Schif. "It can't, it just, there's not even a ri--and there's one." Xil looked at his hand and there was indeed a ring. "Yep, yep, that seals it, my life has been boned." Schif looked over at Future, who was rubbing above his left pec. "You okay there?" "Ooof, feels like something's burning." answered Future. "Probably somethin' ta do with the inking ya got last night, boyo." said the Irishman. "Inking? Wait you don't..." Future's eyes widened. He ran over to a mirror and pulled his shirt to where he could see the burning area. What he saw caused his jaw to drop. It was a tattoo of a black and white lemur. The lemur had been marked with the words "Property of B. A. G." "Gee, I wonder who that could be from." said Schif as Future started to recoil in horror. He rubbed it. "THIS--THIS IS A REAL TATTOO!!!!" he yelled. "Yea it is, boyo. Lassie did it herself, too." "THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY BETTER." "Ya only got that thing cuz the little Jew boy here bet ya 25 bucks ya didn't have the stones ta do it. 'Course the other part was that he had ta get somethin' done, too." Schif was silent. "I got...? I don't feel anything..." He started feeling around his body, then looked down his shirt. He quickly closed it back up, and started turning pale. "Schif? What's up, you see something?" asked Xil. "M-my uh...my nimflflfl..." Schif started mumbling. "Your what?" "My nimfmfmfprcd." "I don't get it." "MY NIPPLES HAVE BEEN PIERCED." said Schif bluntly. "Well this is all just fan-tucking-fastic." groaned Xil. "I leave to go to a game and then my life gets turned upside down. Fucking greeeaaat." "Oh boo-freaking-hoo, you can get it annulled, I'VE BEEN BRANDED FOR LIFE." exclaimed Future. "Ok ok ok, everyone just calm down one sec." said Schif. "Alright, look, uh..." "The name's Kanto, lad." "Kanto? You a Genwunner or so--never mind. Look, Kanto, we've got no idea how we all ended up here, or where the hell the girls ended up. Would ya mind filling us in?" "Well, it's all in those pics, lads. Bossman came and said ya needed a minister and, well, that's what I'm here for. Far as I know Ol' Granny took the lassies to a room ta shapen up. "'Ol' Granny'?" asked Schif. "We're in a fucking horror movie right now, aren't we?" asked Xil. "Oh, you think?!" responded Future. "Well, least the girls have a room. Can't be too bad." added Schif. Elsewhere, Sun shrieked. "THE FUCK IS THIS SHITE?!" she yelled. "Uhhh, looks like you and Xil, uh, doing the hanky panky with some spanky spanky." replied Lemurs. "DONTCHA GET CUTE WITH ME, THIS IS SHITEY SHITE! OH MY FUCK!" She looked at her hand and reeled from the sight of the ring on her finger. Lemurs continued scrolling through the pictures as Sun continued to angrily rant. "Aaaand this is you two making out in the corner. And this is Schif guzzling down an entire 6-pack at once. And here's me giving Future a whahahahahwhaaaat." Future was lying on a sofa with his shirt up as Lemurs, wearing protective goggles, was holding a needle-like device. "Oh noes. And there's me giving him a tattoo. And there's more Schif drinking. And there's you giving Xil a bath whoaaaaa." "I can't, I CAN'T. ME LIFE, IT'S BEEN BUGGERED TO HELL." groaned Sun. Then, a knock at the door. "Oh, please let it be the Reaper come to collect." said Sun. Lemurs opened the door. The boys were standing there. "Hiiiidey ho." said Schif, with a hint of sarcasm. "YOU DOG!" yelled Sun, as she grabbed Xil and flung him against the wall. "Ow! Why the violence?!" "DON'T YA ACT LIKE YA DON' KNOW! FIX THIS SHITE, NOW!" Meanwhile, Future was grumbling to himself in the corner. "Uh, hey Future." said Lemurs. Future looked irritated. "'Hey, Future'?" "Hey...Future?" "Do you have any idea what you've done?" "I've kinda done a few things, mind being more specific?" "YOU SCARRED ME FOR LIFE." "Haven't I done that before?" "NOT IN THE LITERAL SENSE." "Kay, calm down, I think it's cute." "It doesn't matter, I didn't give consent for this! And it stings, like a LOT. Are you even qualified to do these?" "'Am I qualified'? I'll have you know, I've seen every episode of every season of Ink Master. Tattoo Nightmares? LA Ink? Mastered those, too. London Ink, Black Ink Crew, Miami Ink, you name it, I've seen it. You could say I've covered all my bases. Every artist, every contestant, I've followed and come to understand all of them on a personal level." "Let me ask you this, then. Have you ever actually given someone a tattoo?" "...No." "THEN YOU'RE NOT QUALIFIED." "If you guys are done trying to rip each other to pieces, we can start getting to the bottom of this..." said Schif. "That Beatles-looking fuckface gave us his boss' address. Maybe he could explain...all this." "Let's bolt it then! Sooner the better!" said Sun, as she started dragging Xil out the door. "This'll be a fun one to explain to the kids one day, huh?" he said. "SHOVE OFF." A short while later, the group were in front of a shopping center. The store they were in front of read "Dark Side Marital Guidance". "'Marital Guidance'? The hell kind of store is this?" said Future. "The kind that's about to become a heap o' rubble!" answered Sun, as she dragged Xil along. "Ow! At this rate I think I'll be needing spiritual guidance." he quipped. The group went inside. At the receptionists' table was a scrawny-looking fellow wearing a hoodie. His nametag read "De Sadd". "Can I help you all?" Sun slapped her and Xil's hands on the table. "This shite! Your boss, where's he at?!" "Ahhh, you must be the happy pair he was mentioning. Luckily for you, he just so happens to be available for meetings today. Let me just send you in now..." He pushed a button underneath his desk and the floor opened up beneath the group. Falling down a large slide, they eventually landed on the bottom. "Get off me, ya giant Cuban roll!" griped Sun. "'Giant'?!" griped back Future. "Welcome, humans. To what do I owe this meeting?" The group looked up, and saw a large man wearing blue armor, with craggy, rocklike skin, sitting on a throne. "As I can assume you remember not our previous encounter, allow me to reintroduce myself. I am called Darkseid. Though you are free to refer to me as your New God." Sun got up and stepped forward. "Are ya the git that did this?!" "If the question you ask is whether or not I bonded you and the jacketed one for eternity, then yes, I am. And you are welcome." "I didn't come here ta thank you, ya rocky fuckbucket! I came so you'd fix it!" "I am capable of many things, human. But that is not one of them." "Why the fuck not?!" "Because that...is how it is dictated by Mother." "Oh gee, a bad guy with mommy issues. Never seen that before." quipped Xil. "Silence, whelp. And rejoice, for your suffering is fuel for a greater will. My will. For you see, you are the first of what shall be many forced unions I shall enact, in the name of hatred and despair." "The hell are you going on about?" asked Schif. Darkseid took out a small, mechanical-looking box. "I have observed this planet for many years, looking for the perfect method to bring about widespread anger and hate. A world I could more effectively rule. So I watched, looking for the perfect way to spread the gospel, as it were. And then I realized it: there is no institution capable of sowing disdain quite like an unhappy marriage. Such unwanted unions have driven you humans to outright murder. And so with my Mother Box in hand, I began my quest..." A video projection emerged from the box. "It was all a matter of waiting." The video began showing the group, all wearing football jerseys, entering a McDonald's. Darkseid, wearing no disguise save for an employees' hat and a fake moustache, was at the register. "Waiting for the perfect pair of guinea pigs whom you could feel the tension between. Then, with just a smidgeon of Anti-Life..." Darkseid whispers into the group's ears, and they all come under his thrall. "From there, all I needed was for Mother to bestow upon me a gift..." A pair of rings emerged from the box. "Rings capable of bonding the wearers' spirits in a permanent marriage. So no matter how hard you tried, no matter what means you sought, you would be united for all eternity. And as I spread these rings, millions will be bonded together in unholy unions, unable to escape! Hatred and resentment shall spread throughout the planet, and then, you will all heed the word of DARKSEID!" "...so you can't fix it, then?" asked Xil. "NO, YOU BUFFOON! DID YOU FAIL TO HEAR A WORD I JUST SAID?!" griped Darkseid. "Welp, guess it's time for desperate measures." "What are you talking about, worm? What could you do that could possibly--" A cat-like humanoid appeared behind Xil. "Queen's Third Bomb: THE DUST! Darkseid, Queen is already inside your eye!" yelled Xil. "Huh?" Suddenly, the humanoid appeared inside one of Darkseid's eyes. "This is what you are seeing! The switch for Queen's third bomb...has already been activated!" The pressure began to build, and Darkseid's body erupted in a massive explosion. Colors began flashing, images of molecules, galaxies, the sea and sky all came forth. And then... Xil found himself in a car being driven by Sun, with the other three in the back, all wearing football jerseys. Xil looked at his hands. No ring. He sighed in relief. "Oy, here's somewhere to get a bite." said Sun. It was a McDonald's. Xil quickly grabbed the steering wheel and pulled the car past the restaurant. "The hell ya doin', Shithead?!" "Trust me, it's for your own good. Fatty acids, and all that. Let's go somewhere with a bit less...cholesterol." The car drove off. Inside the McDonald's, another pair were arguing. "Oh my God, Bored, how many times do I have to tell you that I'm not pregnant?" said the girl. "Jesus, Kitsune, I was just asking what size drink you wanted! Why do you have to be such a dark fog over my life?!" griped Bored. "Ahem." There was Darkseid at the register, fake moustache and all. "May I take your order now?" he asked. END